Life has many attachments,responsibilities towards our relations , our society .My life in particular was burdened by a very different stigma..to be a girl child of a widowed mother.19th August,1995 the day when my father went away without even saying goodbye...took with him my childhood, my innocence.
I was lucky to be bestowed by a mother of strong will and someone who had the zest for life.Being the elder daughter i realized that I had to be strong and I learnt the art not to reveal my thoughts, my pain, my grief as a whole.
Destiny took the bread earner of our family.However things weren't that bad .We shifted to our paternal home and my mother started playing the multifaceted role of being the daughter in law, the mother and the father of her two little daughters.
The latter part was quite an ordeal because when bringing up two daughters as a single mother you always have to guard them.
If you were to notice the periphery of my life as a whole, you would say i had everything: a lavish bungalow, servants,drivers, best of education, clothing;if not in excess then definitely not deprived.
But deep inside,the core of my life,the story is not so rosy as it seems.How the loss of one male member changes life completely.When a woman becomes independent and starts taking life in the best of spirits ,the guards of society try their level best to tarnish her impeccable image .When you are deprived ,all the help that comes, does not mean it has come without intentions ..The fragility of a woman is so immense that only she knows how to project her tensile strength.
I have seen my mother bearing the brunt of societal pressures , meandering through different roles all alone, but in return all that she would hear is complaints.
I have heard those words and I still refrained from speaking. Many times people related have spoken and have spoken anything they wanted and I kept a blank face.It is said that silence is golden but my silence did not feel noble. I was ashamed of my cowardice.As the norms of society are that good girls don't retaliate ,I confined myself in keeping mum and showing self control.
I have done my brooding and the guilt of not doing enough rises in me like bile so that i might lose the appetite of life.The inhibitions of being a daughter compel me to think that my purpose may not be achieved.Today, I recreated from my pen and relived my sorrows not for some self pity or to taint anyone black. I know that I have become sensitive not through my sensibility but because of my experience.
No other person can understand someones grief unless one has experienced it.I have done this to set myself free of a great emotional baggage..to come out of the claws of my haunting past.
I am a stronger person now,whose decisions would not stand testimony to conservative thinking .I am out of the greyness of that reality where girls have to sacrifice their ambitions , their ideologies to show that they adhere to the principles of society . I am setting free , so that i do not deprive myself of enjoying my existence;Graduating from the school of values and striking the balance to control the rudder of my lifeboat.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
OLD VILLAIN NEW ENTRY
Whenever you are put to test, the indomitable villain arrives at center stage. This testing negative character enters your life in different phases, in different forms. This time its entry was in the form of CAT 2009 ...hovering over the lives of more than two and a half lakh aspirants.
The CAT was in an utter state of face lift. ..She was no longer wild ..She was tamable that too with a mouse click. But this new avatar with technological attachments inflicted several injuries to the prepared souls by rescheduling,server
glitches and stale questions.The percentiles again are subject to much speculation..Students were startled and were completely unaware of the number of runs they had to score to win the match.
Everything suddenly seems so mean, so uncertain. I remember six months back when i had zeroed down to the decision to prepare for CAT. After completing my engineering degree and wearing the life jacket of an offer letter of one of the most prestigious software firms in the country;I again prepared myself for the adventure in the turbulent waters of competition.
A positive avalanche had poured in and I started improving exponentially ...English was my forte and quantitative ability engineers have it for granted. Then began my mock tests,it robbed me of my confidence. The city that adopted me for my preparation was treating me as a step mother. One moment I had more to cope with and the other I had nothing. I was a dejected soul, who surrendered much before the actual test.
Few days back when I took the exam ,The door was opened again.The villain was staring me, eye to eye.I had the control over the trigger to shoot him, but even though I felt disarmed.When the villain left, it took nothing from me..on the contrary taught me a lesson of life.
I would like to express it in the words of Abba-
" They say a restless body can hide a peaceful soul,
A voyager and a settler both have a distant goal..
If I explore the heavens or if I search inside
Well it doesn't really matter as long as I can tell myself
that I have always tried".
The lesson is try and to try till the end.CAT is not about verbals or certain formulae..its about temperament. Its about attitude. I did not really try because I left in between...some did not try to perform because of certain preconceived notions.
Today I stand enriched and rekindled by my very noble teacher named experience.I understand that uncertainties will be there, hurdles would be there: economical, social , physical, emotional ;each having the strength to tear me apart..But every episode shall make me better.I should have the energy to persevere, the eagerness to receive,the strength to accept my downfalls,the passion to live my dream every moment.After all the heavy words of the wise one thing that remains is that one should enjoy every bit of the process. Its not about getting serious in life, but doing things seriously!!
The CAT was in an utter state of face lift. ..She was no longer wild ..She was tamable that too with a mouse click. But this new avatar with technological attachments inflicted several injuries to the prepared souls by rescheduling,server
glitches and stale questions.The percentiles again are subject to much speculation..Students were startled and were completely unaware of the number of runs they had to score to win the match.
Everything suddenly seems so mean, so uncertain. I remember six months back when i had zeroed down to the decision to prepare for CAT. After completing my engineering degree and wearing the life jacket of an offer letter of one of the most prestigious software firms in the country;I again prepared myself for the adventure in the turbulent waters of competition.
A positive avalanche had poured in and I started improving exponentially ...English was my forte and quantitative ability engineers have it for granted. Then began my mock tests,it robbed me of my confidence. The city that adopted me for my preparation was treating me as a step mother. One moment I had more to cope with and the other I had nothing. I was a dejected soul, who surrendered much before the actual test.
Few days back when I took the exam ,The door was opened again.The villain was staring me, eye to eye.I had the control over the trigger to shoot him, but even though I felt disarmed.When the villain left, it took nothing from me..on the contrary taught me a lesson of life.
I would like to express it in the words of Abba-
" They say a restless body can hide a peaceful soul,
A voyager and a settler both have a distant goal..
If I explore the heavens or if I search inside
Well it doesn't really matter as long as I can tell myself
that I have always tried".
The lesson is try and to try till the end.CAT is not about verbals or certain formulae..its about temperament. Its about attitude. I did not really try because I left in between...some did not try to perform because of certain preconceived notions.
Today I stand enriched and rekindled by my very noble teacher named experience.I understand that uncertainties will be there, hurdles would be there: economical, social , physical, emotional ;each having the strength to tear me apart..But every episode shall make me better.I should have the energy to persevere, the eagerness to receive,the strength to accept my downfalls,the passion to live my dream every moment.After all the heavy words of the wise one thing that remains is that one should enjoy every bit of the process. Its not about getting serious in life, but doing things seriously!!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
To be a BE
Amid the paeans to the Indian Growth story here I stand with my Bachelor of Engineering Degree , questioning its very purpose. It is sheer ambivalence of feelings that I am going through whether to adulate the fact that I am a BE or is it more by accident than by intention that these four year journey has ended.
Well engineering is a mini odyssey laden with experiments , practicals , sessionals , projects and “farzipanti”.
Yes FARZIPANTI comes out as a side branch of engineering ,not baking with codified language but encrypted with that cipher text which only an engineer can decipher. On top of this blissful activity is placed a slice of physics and nothing less than the poetry of electrons changing the dynamics of life. (done electronics & telecommunication).
The first year of college is the subdued phase where everyone gives you a discourse on the wonders of engineering.
You still are very nascent and much like a school student dreaming practical solutions to invent, design and build things. You are true to the kindred spirits of engineering and use your time constructively in having a brief overview of basic engineering subjects. You listen to everyone from your professors to lab attendants to your seniors, library in charges.
You are devoid of the slightest vestige of engineering mischief and you live a life respectable student.
But then comes the the second year, a translator of all prejudices you ever had. You are finally in your department and your seniors paradoxically enough , expose you to what engineering in itself entails : the promise of knowledge and a roller coaster of fun.You want to dive into the empty space of not mastered existence but then you are brought down and laid bare; for you are a fresher and cannot make such a remarkable transition. Your quest for marks somewhat loses momentum and you keep your eyes wide open to learn the blissful coexistence of farzipanti and performance.
You begin to have a taste of the art but not a connoisseur yet, you engage yourself in various activities.
Then comes the Third year which widens your doors of perception and you finally become the coveted senior .It begins with proxy attendance and narrows down to last date submissions . you feel like a hero when you break the monotony of learning and just start faking it up…books , notes are last days rescue…and then you know how to give maximum performance in minimum time.
But in between comes the havoc of Campus Placements. You are again brought back to ground .A sudden deluge of seriousness sweeps you and then you stand at the center of your being ,on the crossroads of doing something worthwhile. You try to master all the theories learnt, start reading newspapers , you meander into this very part of making a career .
The placements give you that little high which you never had ,as if you’ve got a life jacket to guard you against the turbulent future.
Then comes the time to bid adieu to your seniors, and you march on with the torch lit by them to the Final Year, the ultimate year of Farzipanti.
The fourth year is like the year of the master of the trade. You experience something like-
“Float down the river
Over the pebble or stone
Don’t worry about swimming
Just rock and roll.”
Literally its not that you are a complete rebel , You have papers to clear, projects to submit, keep your CPI at a decent level but with the juxtaposition of having fun and seriousness. Its not that I am full of complacency about a degree completed but being a BE is not just to learn some Hi-tech vocab of physics or complex engineering mathematics. It prepare you to a plethora of life skills ,its about seriously enjoying life….
Likely said –“to be or not to BE”
Well engineering is a mini odyssey laden with experiments , practicals , sessionals , projects and “farzipanti”.
Yes FARZIPANTI comes out as a side branch of engineering ,not baking with codified language but encrypted with that cipher text which only an engineer can decipher. On top of this blissful activity is placed a slice of physics and nothing less than the poetry of electrons changing the dynamics of life. (done electronics & telecommunication).
The first year of college is the subdued phase where everyone gives you a discourse on the wonders of engineering.
You still are very nascent and much like a school student dreaming practical solutions to invent, design and build things. You are true to the kindred spirits of engineering and use your time constructively in having a brief overview of basic engineering subjects. You listen to everyone from your professors to lab attendants to your seniors, library in charges.
You are devoid of the slightest vestige of engineering mischief and you live a life respectable student.
But then comes the the second year, a translator of all prejudices you ever had. You are finally in your department and your seniors paradoxically enough , expose you to what engineering in itself entails : the promise of knowledge and a roller coaster of fun.You want to dive into the empty space of not mastered existence but then you are brought down and laid bare; for you are a fresher and cannot make such a remarkable transition. Your quest for marks somewhat loses momentum and you keep your eyes wide open to learn the blissful coexistence of farzipanti and performance.
You begin to have a taste of the art but not a connoisseur yet, you engage yourself in various activities.
Then comes the Third year which widens your doors of perception and you finally become the coveted senior .It begins with proxy attendance and narrows down to last date submissions . you feel like a hero when you break the monotony of learning and just start faking it up…books , notes are last days rescue…and then you know how to give maximum performance in minimum time.
But in between comes the havoc of Campus Placements. You are again brought back to ground .A sudden deluge of seriousness sweeps you and then you stand at the center of your being ,on the crossroads of doing something worthwhile. You try to master all the theories learnt, start reading newspapers , you meander into this very part of making a career .
The placements give you that little high which you never had ,as if you’ve got a life jacket to guard you against the turbulent future.
Then comes the time to bid adieu to your seniors, and you march on with the torch lit by them to the Final Year, the ultimate year of Farzipanti.
The fourth year is like the year of the master of the trade. You experience something like-
“Float down the river
Over the pebble or stone
Don’t worry about swimming
Just rock and roll.”
Literally its not that you are a complete rebel , You have papers to clear, projects to submit, keep your CPI at a decent level but with the juxtaposition of having fun and seriousness. Its not that I am full of complacency about a degree completed but being a BE is not just to learn some Hi-tech vocab of physics or complex engineering mathematics. It prepare you to a plethora of life skills ,its about seriously enjoying life….
Likely said –“to be or not to BE”
Saturday, August 15, 2009
The Bold and The Beautiful
“The Bhartiya Nari” has broken all shackles of subjugation and has arrived on the center stage with more temerity than skill or sense. She in her urbane avatar has made shyness, modesty completely vestigial. She flaunts her noodle straps and hot pants with a confident countenance. She dotes on a treasure of cosmetic products and wouldn’t even mind to go under the knife to get that perfect look. She is working, she is independent , she boozes, she fags , she wouldn’t even mind to live in.
Ah what a metamorphosis indeed. To think of it is this what women libation is all about. I am in a great fix as to how to define or to do the caricature of “aaj ki Bhartiya nari ” Take the television for example ,the leading soaps of our TV channels –“agle janam mohe bitya hi kijo” “balika vadhu” showcases the harassed and troubled female populace and the above description of women would be descended into faction . Then on a TV commercial of i pills make this notion very capricious. Then a survey that 80% of the women in India are sexually active before marriage surely seems dubious but again causes a serious aberration of my thought process.
To make it more worse there goes an “ITEM GIRL” (with due apologies to our favorite drama queen ) imitating our Sita Maiya
to choose her pati parmeshvar. She says she’s gone back to the archaic days of doing the arduous job of selecting her var.
She took the bold step of dating more than a dozen men in front of the camera and then on selecting one.
She avowed that she is a Bhartiya nari and applied mehndi for three coveted sajnas and then on settled for one not with a mangal sutra but a ring.
If I further exercise my desire to explore the world of misunderstood women of present era , I am again appalled by a completely different bevy of power puffed ladies. Yes it is quite a debate that do the women in power display the boldness and charisma.
There is our honorable first female president who is a complete epitome of “luck by chance” . Her work is subtle and no body is aware of her charisma. Then the UP Chief Minister who has been the butt of of scams and scandals does no further justice. Then comes the efficacy of our Speaker Meira Kumar , well she completely bowls you over. The softness of her voice is no handicap but her ability to negotiate and make peace unveils the untapped power of women.
Then on one is reminded of The Barkha Dutts, The KIran Bedis, The Arundati Roys, The Indira Nooyis , The Kiran Manjumdars, The Sania Mirzas,the Nirupama raos, for that matter even the Aishwarya Rais who have invariably transformed the cliches and hackneyed phrases associated with women.
So after a heterogeneous account of today’s “Bhartiya Nari” I finally conclude-
The Gen x woman is no iconoclast , avidly attacking morality . She is someone who has become aware of her needs be it emotional, financial, physical or mental and would do anything to fulfill them. She is no inane creature who makes impotent efforts to improve her plight. She is bold enough to dream and achieve . She knows her accounts and is aware of her feminism. She is out there beaming with beauty to take on a world of opportunities regardless of the clothes she wears , or the relationships she is into.
She is no Sati , no Savitri but the bold and the beautiful.
Ah what a metamorphosis indeed. To think of it is this what women libation is all about. I am in a great fix as to how to define or to do the caricature of “aaj ki Bhartiya nari ” Take the television for example ,the leading soaps of our TV channels –“agle janam mohe bitya hi kijo” “balika vadhu” showcases the harassed and troubled female populace and the above description of women would be descended into faction . Then on a TV commercial of i pills make this notion very capricious. Then a survey that 80% of the women in India are sexually active before marriage surely seems dubious but again causes a serious aberration of my thought process.
To make it more worse there goes an “ITEM GIRL” (with due apologies to our favorite drama queen ) imitating our Sita Maiya
to choose her pati parmeshvar. She says she’s gone back to the archaic days of doing the arduous job of selecting her var.
She took the bold step of dating more than a dozen men in front of the camera and then on selecting one.
She avowed that she is a Bhartiya nari and applied mehndi for three coveted sajnas and then on settled for one not with a mangal sutra but a ring.
If I further exercise my desire to explore the world of misunderstood women of present era , I am again appalled by a completely different bevy of power puffed ladies. Yes it is quite a debate that do the women in power display the boldness and charisma.
There is our honorable first female president who is a complete epitome of “luck by chance” . Her work is subtle and no body is aware of her charisma. Then the UP Chief Minister who has been the butt of of scams and scandals does no further justice. Then comes the efficacy of our Speaker Meira Kumar , well she completely bowls you over. The softness of her voice is no handicap but her ability to negotiate and make peace unveils the untapped power of women.
Then on one is reminded of The Barkha Dutts, The KIran Bedis, The Arundati Roys, The Indira Nooyis , The Kiran Manjumdars, The Sania Mirzas,the Nirupama raos, for that matter even the Aishwarya Rais who have invariably transformed the cliches and hackneyed phrases associated with women.
So after a heterogeneous account of today’s “Bhartiya Nari” I finally conclude-
The Gen x woman is no iconoclast , avidly attacking morality . She is someone who has become aware of her needs be it emotional, financial, physical or mental and would do anything to fulfill them. She is no inane creature who makes impotent efforts to improve her plight. She is bold enough to dream and achieve . She knows her accounts and is aware of her feminism. She is out there beaming with beauty to take on a world of opportunities regardless of the clothes she wears , or the relationships she is into.
She is no Sati , no Savitri but the bold and the beautiful.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Homecoming....a daughter's view
I have given my way to my mental attic where I had stored all episodes of my growing up. Every episode spent at home, is a parcel of days to be remembered…
Climbing up stairs and slamming the door after coming back from school. Throwing your schoolbag on the study table and then switching on the TV set which emitted noises that would frazzle your nerves. Then the complacent sigh the moment food was served. The bathroom dense with talcum smog. The dancing in front of the mirror where every limb was tested. The strolling in my big veranda and enjoying the bliss of solitude. How a demure little creature would gain all strength in the world to fight with her little sibling . Those long hours where one would chat like a granny with your mom .
Then time plays its game wherein the stubborn child transforms into a thriving teenager and then to an impeccably groomed and dignified young woman (with exaggeration at its best) in a climate of perpetual wonder.
Yes its strange for this very house is now a place to spend my vacations. And look six months down the lane I’ll be through with my engineering degree and god knows how frequent will I visit this little paradise of mine. Its heartening to realize that four to five years more of work experience and higher studies…then the inevitable wedlock and then your inhibitions of a daughter melt you further.
All the pampering, all your pranks and plays vanish like water into the sand. The walls of my bathroom still not deafened by my melodious tunes , the clothes, the books, the paintings, the music playing, the lights on will be cleared away…..
From now on every homecoming will be cherishable experience as life takes on brighter colors.
Climbing up stairs and slamming the door after coming back from school. Throwing your schoolbag on the study table and then switching on the TV set which emitted noises that would frazzle your nerves. Then the complacent sigh the moment food was served. The bathroom dense with talcum smog. The dancing in front of the mirror where every limb was tested. The strolling in my big veranda and enjoying the bliss of solitude. How a demure little creature would gain all strength in the world to fight with her little sibling . Those long hours where one would chat like a granny with your mom .
Then time plays its game wherein the stubborn child transforms into a thriving teenager and then to an impeccably groomed and dignified young woman (with exaggeration at its best) in a climate of perpetual wonder.
Yes its strange for this very house is now a place to spend my vacations. And look six months down the lane I’ll be through with my engineering degree and god knows how frequent will I visit this little paradise of mine. Its heartening to realize that four to five years more of work experience and higher studies…then the inevitable wedlock and then your inhibitions of a daughter melt you further.
All the pampering, all your pranks and plays vanish like water into the sand. The walls of my bathroom still not deafened by my melodious tunes , the clothes, the books, the paintings, the music playing, the lights on will be cleared away…..
From now on every homecoming will be cherishable experience as life takes on brighter colors.
Bihari or Beharry
NO this isn’t in retaliation to the brewing rivalry of north Indians vs. Marathi’s .Thanks to media enough light has been thrown on it. Its just a medium to voice those pent up feelings which practically every bihari has to go through when out of the boundaries of bihar.
The “Bihari” tag encompasses all crudeness with itself, a cult incapable of showing poise, glamour, having proper diction, devoid of good education. Bihari’s for no reason have been considered the black sheep of the nation .whenever you step out of bihar, the waves of this expanding paradox take real time to die down.
I and many of my friends have had this experience that the moment you reveal that you are a bihari there this complete aura of awe and amazement and with a little grin you are confronted with statements like
“you don’t look like a bihari”
“you don’t speak like a bihari”
These statements would compel you to believe that you were a hybrid variety of bihari or so to speak a bihari turned mod and your eloquence of speech would never make any Tom ,Dick but Beharry.
When questions like
“how have you managed to grow up in a place like bihar where people move around with guns and rifles?”
These fads practically dumbstruck you . And than you think for how long will have to live up with this mistaken identity.I would not undermine the fact that there have indeed been quite a many problems and issues with bihar but the stereotyped image of a bihari should be shrugged off.
Its not the region but your personal attributes which makes you stand out in the crowd…..
“kyoun bujhaieel ki naa”
The “Bihari” tag encompasses all crudeness with itself, a cult incapable of showing poise, glamour, having proper diction, devoid of good education. Bihari’s for no reason have been considered the black sheep of the nation .whenever you step out of bihar, the waves of this expanding paradox take real time to die down.
I and many of my friends have had this experience that the moment you reveal that you are a bihari there this complete aura of awe and amazement and with a little grin you are confronted with statements like
“you don’t look like a bihari”
“you don’t speak like a bihari”
These statements would compel you to believe that you were a hybrid variety of bihari or so to speak a bihari turned mod and your eloquence of speech would never make any Tom ,Dick but Beharry.
When questions like
“how have you managed to grow up in a place like bihar where people move around with guns and rifles?”
These fads practically dumbstruck you . And than you think for how long will have to live up with this mistaken identity.I would not undermine the fact that there have indeed been quite a many problems and issues with bihar but the stereotyped image of a bihari should be shrugged off.
Its not the region but your personal attributes which makes you stand out in the crowd…..
“kyoun bujhaieel ki naa”
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